Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
