I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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