you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
