I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
