Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
