That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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