but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
