I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
