I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
