yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
