smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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