PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
