So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
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