My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
