marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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