It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
