I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
