I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
