There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
