How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
