we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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