Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He felt like a one man threesome
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
