I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I touched a dick in church today
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
