i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
