Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
