My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
do herpes really smell.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
