I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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