Ketchup is God's man juice
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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