from now on my penis is your penis
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
