wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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