If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
