I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
zippers are such a cool invention
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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