I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
