is your mom at the bar?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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