my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
