Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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