I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
