I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Text me some of your sweat
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
