I bet he comes in French.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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