I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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