sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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