I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
