i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
