I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
