Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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