every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
