I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
