Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
