im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
