what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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