Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
