how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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