Plan B is the new Plan A
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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