Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
